Skills Needed to Repair Arguments in Couples

With time, we stand to realise that one of the most valuable skills that any partner could possess is the capacity to repair arguments. This, far more than wit, or numerical intelligence, or athletic prowess, will guarantee our peace and contentment over the long term. Indeed, the success of any long-term relationship depends less on avoiding disagreements than on mastering conflict resolution in couples.

For with even the most mild-mannered soul, and the calmest of circumstances, arguments will always come along. So the issue is not whether or not they happen, but how can they can be fixed when they do.

We should carry in our minds a list of skills and look out for them in others – and hone them in ourselves.

Here are six of the leading ones:

Courage & Honesty

Conflicts typically occur over issues that are – from many angles – embarrassing, or shameful, or vulnerability-inducing for one or other party. There’s a basis for a conflict which it may be extremely hard to mention directly.

For example, that we’re angry with someone on their birthday. Or that we don’t want to have sex because we’re feeling ignored. Or that we’re still smarting over a comment that a partner made a week ago. Or that we need a hug and feel utterly childlike and dependent.

Such is the nature of our grudge, we can feel that we’d be weak or silly or mean-minded to come clean. The good arguer has the necessary courage and honesty to name what is irking them. They dare to spell out the problem: I’m sorry, I wanted to have sex but I was too furious to do so… Or: I got angry because I was worried you didn’t love me any more…

They don’t need to cling to face-saving excuses: I needed to see my mother… I was just busy… They can let us see their wound – and thereby allow the couple to repair it.

Curiosity

Many people cannot, in the face of a conflict, keep their rational minds open. They feel so under threat, they cease to be able to think. A partner sends them a detailed letter outlining a resentment that’s built up. They read it, but their eyes cloud over. Their mind slows. They feel inadequate to the task.

They duck out of a discussion. They develop a headache. There’s something they urgently need to do. They will get back to their partner in the evening (but then they ‘forget’). They proudly say they’re ‘not good at writing’ (even though they are). Or that they ‘prefer to feel rather than think’. Or that they ‘are not a lawyer…’

Self-Criticism

The good arguer may be trying to have their case recognised, but they are also never far from a sense of the trouble they may be bringing to the situation.

They’ve had enough experience to be under no illusions as to their purity. There are immediate caveats around most of their pronouncements:

Why would I text you in the middle of the working day – but I suppose I am a bit of a bad texter.

I did just want to see my friends that night – but I guess I do have this thing where I push away those who want to get close to me.

You did raise your voice in a horrible way – but maybe it’s a bit my issue too that I get so sensitive to that.

By revealing their flaws, the arguer immediately reassures their opponent, who does likewise. Arguments will – in the best of cases – gradually dissolve into a mutual recognition that all parties are slightly mad, yet very much doing their best.

Self-Regulation

This skill is almost more muscular than emotional or intellectual: the ability to keep a handle on oneself as levels of threat rise.

Yes, it does appear that, for now, our opponent is cold and angry, but to what extent can we bear the discomfort? Do we need to keep escalating just before the film starts or the guests arrive?

Those who have been insufficiently held and reassured in childhood are at a special disadvantage here. Quite quickly, in a period of tension, their minds slide towards catastrophic imaginings. The partner is going to leave; everyone hates them; they can do nothing right. They will start to shout. They may call 22 times in a row. They’ll stay up late into the night writing messages. Everything has to be done immediately.

Good arguers were long ago endowed with a hugely calming story: you are worthwhile whatever happens; you can survive without a partner; if they abandon you, it’s their loss. And because they have fewer fears, they end up having far less to be afraid of.

Conflict Tolerance

Good arguers don’t see it as especially problematic that they are in an argument. They know the legitimate place of conflict within any functioning relationship. They are not frightened by a mess.

They don’t need to run away at the first slightly raised voice. They don’t have to invent a headache. They can roll up their sleeves and struggle, in the name of progress.

Conflict Fascination

The best arguers are – in the end – pretty interested in the whole business of arguing. Above and beyond any one particular argument, they want to know why arguments happen, how they can be healed, why they and their partner keep having the same four struggles. They are scholars of fighting.

They might read essays like this; and if they do, we should marry them fast if they come our way. For those who take conflict resolution in couples seriously are not avoiding difficulty – they are laying the foundations for a very calm life…