Two Emotional Skills That Save Relationships

Behind every relationship that endures, we can identify two ingredients.

Firstly, an ability to break bad news well. Successful lovers know how to communicate in a relationship. They are adept at taking their partners into the trickier parts of their lives with patience and grace – while it’s still early enough, before bitterness sets in, before anyone has grown forlorn or furious. They’ll say, with courage and diplomacy: ‘I’m not sure I like what’s happening in bed…’ Or: ‘I care for you, but I need to spend some time alone this weekend…’

They aren’t overly embarrassed by needs that run counter to those of their partner; it doesn’t feel worthy of panic that they don’t particularly enjoy a certain type of music, sport, or way of hugging. They aren’t tempted to stay silent for a long time, only to explode in fury late at night – or to notice that their heart has gone cold when a stranger takes an interest in them.

Their natural relationship to their own needs stems from others – probably their parents – having respected and honoured their reality from the first. Even at five or seven and a quarter, they would have witnessed caregivers taking seriously what mattered to them – and they now assume that others can too. From this comes an unpanicked, unashamed ability to spell out who they are, and a conviction – rewarded in spades – that they can be both themselves and a generous partner to someone else.

Next, and relatedly, successful lovers can take in difficult information. They allow alternative realities to intrude on their cosy assumptions about themselves and their actions. They don’t grow immediately hostile in the face of a challenge. They don’t assume that a partner who suggests they might sometimes be a bit too dominant or bitter, self-pitying or messy, must be lying or unfairly trying to bring them down.

Successful lovers carry just enough faith in themselves not to panic at well-intended criticism. They operate with a background feeling of security: that they can be OK, even if they are occasionally found wanting. They can give ground – and survive. Therefore, they can stand to wonder, with an open mind, whether they might not be, in some areas, a little bit awful – and so ensure they remain fundamentally delightful.

The world isn’t short of suggestions for what we might do to improve our lives. But we should prioritise learning how to communicate in a relationship, by putting two ambitions at the centre of our hopes for love: to get ever better at speaking – and at listening.