Eight Rules for Friendship

A Community Dedicated to Learning the Art of Friendship

We are inclined to think that the secret of great friendship is all about finding someone with whom we mysteriously and wonderfully ‘click’, without having to do anything about it.

But if we want to understand how to be a good friend, this is arguably an unhelpful stance, for it implies that there is nothing any of us can do to become better friends. Friendship is made to look like a mere happy accident.

At The School of Life, we think differently. We believe that good friendships follow certain principles, which can be identified, discussed and taught. We firmly believe that we can learn to become better friends – none of us is born knowing how to be.

Here, then, are some of the principles of being a good friend:

1. Asking the right questions

We need to learn the art of teasing out of people the parts of themselves that are sincere, vulnerable and true. Society tends to encourage us to stay on the surface; true friends know how to go deeper. In order to do so, ask questions like:

— How did it feel when x or y loss occurred …?

— Show empathy: You must have felt quite sad when …

— Use self-disclosure to encourage others to remove their masks: I’ve often found myself very scared when …

2. Sincerity

Allow space for sadness, regret and melancholy. Don’t come in with aggressively cheerful, leading questions like: ‘Is everything OK then …?’

Keep enquiries open, allowing room for intimate disclosures.

3. Silence

Don’t always speak or interrupt. Allow the other person to unfurl their concerns.

Going deep in yourself allows them to go deep in themselves. People can only go as far with others as they have gone within.

A key part of how to be a good friend is therefore to know yourself as well as possible and use the data about who you are as a guide to who others are likely to be.

We all know that, around some people, we feel we are boring and have nothing to say. This is solely a reflection of how many rooms such people have opened in their own minds. The more they have explored, the more interesting their interlocutors will feel in themselves.

4. Don’t jabber

It can be tempting to talk too much about pet themes. Ask yourself, with courage: What could another person possibly do with what I propose to tell them?

5. Be ruthless

Do they really need to know this? Can there be a space in someone else’s mind for it – or perhaps not so much?

6. Allow room for weirdness

We’re all stranger than we’re meant to be. Know this of yourself and of others, and clear conversational space that will allow the odder (yet still utterly normal) parts of them to emerge. Remember the dictum: no one is normal.

7. Know that everyone is anxious and scared

However confident others may seem, they are always likely to be – inside – close to despair, panic or regret. Don’t wait for them to tell you this; assume it is true and respond accordingly, with pre-emptive signs of sympathy and tenderness.

8. Love in a cold universe

We are – probably – the only things in the universe. Out there, it is mostly just gas, rock and silence. So, within our bonds, we must concentrate on conviviality and good humour. It is a very strange and tricky business being human (think of how odd it is to have nostrils or elbows). Let the alienation and fear of ‘out there’ inspire warmth and compassion for ourselves ‘in here’.