{"id":391,"date":"2018-09-14T08:50:00","date_gmt":"2018-09-14T08:50:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theschooloflife.com\/berlin\/blog\/2018\/09\/14\/httpswww-theschooloflife-comberlinblogattention-seeking-arguments\/"},"modified":"2024-09-24T12:01:04","modified_gmt":"2024-09-24T12:01:04","slug":"httpswww-theschooloflife-comberlinblogattention-seeking-arguments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theschooloflife.com\/berlin\/blog\/httpswww-theschooloflife-comberlinblogattention-seeking-arguments\/","title":{"rendered":"Attention-Seeking Arguments"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>One of the most obvious but in practice very hardest things to ask a partner, even one we name in our will and whose life is entirely entwined with ours, is: \u2018Do you still love me?\u2019 There would be so many reasons why they might not do so any more: we might have driven them to the limit with our admittedly at points really rather challenging behaviour. We\u2019re not getting any younger. There are a lot of other people \u2013 especially at work and in the invisible parts of their life \u2013 who would have great things to offer them. It\u2019s hard to trust anyone, given what can happen. Furthermore, the signs aren\u2019t necessarily very good at the moment. They spend a lot of time on their phones. They\u2019re a bit distracted. Their thoughts seem elsewhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We powerfully long for reassurance and at the same time what we would need to get this reassurance presents terrors of all its own. It would mean revealing the extent of our vulnerability and of the scale of their power to hurt us. It would mean having to admit how much of our life is in their hands and how deeply we depend on their good opinion of us for our psychological survival.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes the cost can feel just too high \u2013 especially if we grew up in families where we got little reassurance that another person would understand our needs. It seems better not to ask too directly. At the same time, their disengaged manner is unbearable as well. In the circumstances, we may find ourselves carrying out one of the strangest manoeuvres witnessed in relationships. We may seek to get their attention accompanied by their anger as opposed to their attention accompanied by their love. We choose to pay the lower price of seeking signs that they remember we exist as an alternative to the far more arduous, rejection-risky task of securing proof that they still love us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr style=\"width: 100%; height: 1px; background-color: #000; margin-bottom: 30px; margin-top: 20px\">\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-align-center\">The School of Life at Work<br>New Leadership: F\u00fchrung, die Menschen st\u00e4rker macht<strong> <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Die meisten Organisationen wissen, dass sie andere F\u00fchrung brauchen: weniger Kontrolle, mehr Vertrauen, mehr Raum f\u00fcr Eigenverantwortung. In unserem 90-min\u00fctigen Gratis-Workshop erf\u00e4hrst du, wie du die daf\u00fcr n\u00f6tigen F\u00e4higkeiten in deiner Organisation systematisch entwickelst.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-9d6595d7 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow\">\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"530\" src=\"https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2026\/10\/09102055\/260923-HR-Gratis-New-leadership-BLOG-Kopie-1024x530.webp\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-34495\" style=\"object-fit:cover\" srcset=\"https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2026\/10\/09102055\/260923-HR-Gratis-New-leadership-BLOG-Kopie-1024x530.webp 1024w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2026\/10\/09102055\/260923-HR-Gratis-New-leadership-BLOG-Kopie-300x155.webp 300w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2026\/10\/09102055\/260923-HR-Gratis-New-leadership-BLOG-Kopie-768x398.webp 768w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2026\/10\/09102055\/260923-HR-Gratis-New-leadership-BLOG-Kopie.webp 1440w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-button is-style-outline\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><a style=\"font-size:19px;\" class=\"wp-block-button__link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theschooloflife.com\/berlin\/events\/gratis-workshop-fur-hr-new-leadership\/\">Jetzt mehr erfahren<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n\n<hr style=\"width: 100%; height: 1px; background-color: #000; margin-top: 30px; margin-bottom: 20px\">\n\n\n\n<p>So we wait until they are tired and fed up and launch a volley of accusations:&nbsp;you never do much around the house, your job doesn\u2019t pay enough, you\u2019ve become very dull.&nbsp;Or, at dinner with friends, we loudly tell a story about something that happened during their parent\u2019s messy divorce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What we are really trying to say is:&nbsp;I love you so much. I rely on you to give sense to my life.&nbsp;But instead we have managed to work them up into a rage and ensured they will say brutal things to us. Of course, their mind is fully trained on us. But \u2013 with a horrible irony \u2013 it\u2019s far from the kind of attention we were seeking. We who crave their kindness, their enthusiasm, their warmth, their compassion, their tenderness and their constructive intelligence to engage with our needs are on the receiving end of their (very understandable) frustration, disappointment, wounded pride and self-protective anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We should have the courage of our longings. We should build relationships where it is natural, and therefore not too frightening, to seek and receive on a regular basis basic reassurance that we are wanted. We should make friends with our own extreme dependence and not see it as a sign of either shame or evil. Furthermore, when we next find ourselves on the receiving end of some utterly unfair accusations or aggression from our partner, we should bear in mind that they have probably not turned monstrous: they are simply trying to secure a reminder that we care for them in the only way they know how, by driving us mad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"353\" src=\"https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/06\/08185910\/240312-Blog-School-Hinweis-Kopie-1024x353.webp\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-31283\" srcset=\"https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/06\/08185910\/240312-Blog-School-Hinweis-Kopie-1024x353.webp 1024w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/06\/08185910\/240312-Blog-School-Hinweis-Kopie-300x103.webp 300w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/06\/08185910\/240312-Blog-School-Hinweis-Kopie-768x265.webp 768w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/06\/08185910\/240312-Blog-School-Hinweis-Kopie.jpg.webp 1102w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:10px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p>Wir unterst\u00fctzen dich bei deiner pers\u00f6nlichen und beruflichen Entwicklung und helfen Organisationen, die psychologisch-emotionalen F\u00e4higkeiten ihrer F\u00fchrungskr\u00e4fte und Teams zu st\u00e4rken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-button is-style-outline\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><a style=\"font-size:22px;\" class=\"wp-block-button__link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theschooloflife.com\/berlin\/?utm_source=Website&#038;utm_medium=Button&#038;utm_campaign=lp0100\">Lerne uns kennen<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"height:20px\" aria-hidden=\"true\" class=\"wp-block-spacer\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-9d6595d7 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow\">\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"1440\" height=\"1084\" src=\"https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/01\/26091622\/250325-Spring-Retreat-Kopie-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-30750\" style=\"object-fit:cover\" srcset=\"https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/01\/26091622\/250325-Spring-Retreat-Kopie-1.jpg.webp 1440w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/01\/26091622\/250325-Spring-Retreat-Kopie-1-300x226.jpg.webp 300w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/01\/26091622\/250325-Spring-Retreat-Kopie-1-1024x771.jpg.webp 1024w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/01\/26091622\/250325-Spring-Retreat-Kopie-1-768x578.jpg.webp 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1440px) 100vw, 1440px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">Spring Retreat in Berlin \u2013 Klarheit, Fokus und Ver\u00e4nderung<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-button is-style-outline\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><a style=\"font-size:15px;\" class=\"wp-block-button__link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theschooloflife.com\/berlin\/events\/spring-retreat-klarheit-fokus-und-veranderung\/\">Mehr dazu<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow\">\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"1440\" height=\"1084\" src=\"https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/02\/26091807\/250325-Abschied-vom-Berufsleben-Kopie-2.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-30751\" style=\"object-fit:cover\" srcset=\"https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/02\/26091807\/250325-Abschied-vom-Berufsleben-Kopie-2.jpg.webp 1440w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/02\/26091807\/250325-Abschied-vom-Berufsleben-Kopie-2-300x226.jpg.webp 300w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/02\/26091807\/250325-Abschied-vom-Berufsleben-Kopie-2-1024x771.jpg.webp 1024w, https:\/\/assets.theschooloflife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/3\/2025\/02\/26091807\/250325-Abschied-vom-Berufsleben-Kopie-2-768x578.jpg.webp 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1440px) 100vw, 1440px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">Abschied vom Berufsleben Retreat in Berlin \u2013 Wie ich meinen neuen Lebensabschnitt erf\u00fcllend gestalte<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-button is-style-outline\" style=\"text-align: center;\"><a style=\"font-size:15px;\" class=\"wp-block-button__link\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theschooloflife.com\/berlin\/events\/abschied-vom-berufsleben-retreat-wie-ich-meinen-neuen-lebensabschnitt-erfullend-gestalte\/\">Mehr dazu<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":392,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,8,3],"tags":[6],"class_list":["post-391","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-all","category-liebe-beziehungen","category-selbst-andere","tag-all"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Attention-Seeking Arguments |\u00a0The School of Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"One of the most obvious but in practice very hardest things to ask a partner, even one we name in our 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