Working on the Speed of an Exit

Much of the discussion on relationships focuses on the importance of identifying as early as possible the proverbial ‘red flags’ that will go on to make a union impossible or difficult.

Do they know how to apologise? Do they have good manners? How are they around disagreement?

The exploration can become addictive. The idea of being able – through perceptive enquiry – to remove or heavily reduce the risks of love is an evidently compelling goal. Had we had the right tools, we might already have spared ourselves years of agony at the hands of this or that misshapen ex.

Nevertheless, however intent our efforts, when we have done all we can to identify every significant red flag, we may have to accept a more downbeat truth. We cannot, despite the best will, ever spot all the risks to which a relationship exposes us. There will always be psychological dynamics that have been cleverly disguised behind a sweet manner, and that have to wait for the right circumstances to emerge. We can discuss head-on with a prospective partner all that matters to us (clear communication, honesty, etc.) and still find that they let us down in precisely the areas we had mentioned.

When to Leave a Relationship

Far from despairing, we should focus our efforts on another strategy: that of getting out extremely quickly when trouble does emerge.

Many people who have spent years, decades, in unfulfilling marriages or relationships will admit retrospectively that they probably knew in the first year, even the first three months, perhaps in the second week, that there were problems: the partner appeared intransigent, there was something odd about sex, the messaging was erratic. But they let optimism, laziness, fear and sentimentality cloud their judgement. They looked at all they had already invested (a weekend in Ibiza, a trip to Norway) and lost sight of the greater treasure they would squander by staying. Their acute fear of having wasted time went on to mire them in a monumental waste of time.

The Courage to Exit Early

We need to brace ourselves for a more urgent and curt philosophy. At the first sign of serious trouble (or at least the third or fourth sign), whenever we encounter a person who deflects blame, stops taking responsibility, is unable to name what is ailing them, disappears for no good reason, we should be ready to do that most counter-intuitive but necessary thing: leave. Leave someone who, in certain areas, already has much to commend them; leave someone who is already so much better than two dozen other people we have dated; leave someone who has lovely eyes and a great sensitivity to music or art. We should thank them very much for their presence in our lives and exit right away.

Truly, anyone can get into a bad relationship; it is more or less impossible to prevent the risk. Mental well-being is signalled by a capacity to recognise when to leave a relationship and to exit at the earliest possible opportunity.